Raj Kapoor's Poster in My Old House

- By Tanya Jha

I have always been scared of the dark.

That night, in the year 2000, I suddenly woke up in the middle of a summer night.

Papa was snoring, brother was mumbling and mummy was curled up in one corner.

I checked my pants, I had peed.

But I lied there, staring at the poster hung at the back of the balcony door. The poster of the legendary film star - Raj Kapoor - was staring at me.

The zero watt green bulb was reflecting on his face adding to my fear. I peed my pants again but kept lying there. I was really scared.

While he kept staring at me, my mother changed my pants and the bedsheet.

“Vo idhar kyo dekh rahe hain? (why is he looking here)”, I asked.

She pulled the curtains to hide the poster and went back to bed. But I could hear voices, whispers.

It felt like the poster spoke to me:“Maa mai bade hoke joker banunga...Dada mane yes, Niet mane No, (I want to be a joker when I grow up.. Dada means yes, niet means no)” he said in his nasal tone.

I clenched my fist, closed my eyes tight and fell asleep.

That night, I had watched Mera Naam Joker for the first time on TV and for me – a six-year-old – the film was about a famous joker who didn’t tell me any jokes. The only thing that amused me how a school boy aspired to be a joker, how fun! Or how he tried imitating that Russian ringmaster. I remember laughing so hard during those scenes.

But the ending was confusing. The joker was crying through his nostrils but there was no audience, only empty chairs. I didn’t really get what the film was trying to say. I thought Raju, the joker, died on stage while singing.

So, for me, the poster was only of a dead man who died in a circus. For me, there was a dead man staring at me at midnight.

The poster haunted me for years. Spoke to me every time I watched Mera Naam Joker – in different tones though.

Years later, we moved to Chandigarh and the poster was misplaced somewhere while shifting. However, it stayed in my conscience: those piercing eyes, jet black hair and thick eyebrows.

I noticed these small details when I turned 12.

But this time when I watched the film, I was curious. Why didn’t Raju marry Meena? Why did he let her go with the superstar? Raju was the name of the joker and Meena (or Meenu master) was a woman, who lived as a man with a dog. Raju helped her become a dancer she always wanted to become and eventually fell in love with her but when Meena proposed, he declined.

After the film, I thought about the poster again. I could sense the yearning in those eyes on the poster.

“Iss khel me maine hamesha dhokha hi khaya hai (I have only faced betrayal in this game of love)”, he says.

I wasn’t really scared of the poster anymore. It suddenly reminded me of unrequited love and yearning; it reminded me of an idea of love that transcends the material boundaries; it reminded me of the young blue-eyed Raju who looked so beautiful in the film and in that poster.

The poster stared at me that night again when I had my very first heartbreak.

It spoke again: “bhoologe tum, bhoolenge vo par hum tumhare rahenge sadaa (you will forget, the world will forget, but I always be yours)”

And I slept with that poster rewinding those lines - out loud in my mind.

Recently, when I watched the last scene of the film again, I was moved to tears.

Raju, the joker, climbs up a tower and falls on a net to make people laugh. As the audience breaks into a guffaw, Raju’s mother – seated in the first row – takes her last breath.

The joker cries, the audience laughs.

He teaches the three phases of life: “Haan babu, ye circus hai show teen ghante ka...pehla ghanta bachpan, doosra jawaani, teesra budhaapa (Yes babu, this circus is a show of three hours - first hour is for childhood, second for youth and third for oldage)”

And then, after a pause, the joker says: “Uske baad ye nhi, vo nhi, tu nhi vo nhi. Kuch bhi nhi rehta hai. Ae bhai. (After that, not this, neither that. Nothing really stays here my friend)”

Evertime, when I think of the poster, I hum this song.

The song that sings of being mindful of what you say; the song that lifts you out of delusion; the song that helps you forget all the worries and steer ahead.

I am a grown up adult now and the poster has almost faded away from my conscience.

But, there are nights when I wake up with anxiety to get water from the kitchen.

And when I stumble upon in the dark, someone from behind whispers : “ae bhai zara dekh ke chalo”

And I no longer feel scared of the dark.

The black and white poster doesn’t scare me anymore.

 Tanya Jha is 25 years old and she likes to sing , write and walk around her terrace early in the morning.